Kvetching

The Yiddish word "kvetch" means "to press or squeeze". In English, it has come to mean "complain." There is no shortage of kvetching in our society. Seemingly, it feels like a prerequisite to most conversations. We all know a complainer, or three or twenty. Maybe our friend, family member, co-worker, boss and possibly even ourselves at times. You expect the complaints to flow, the tragic news to be re-told and it doesn't even have to be urgent, relative or earth-shattering. Mostly, it's their normal mode of operation. Small, little interjections into the conversation about the rude lady at the grocery store or the awful weather we're having or the lost keys, bad hair day, horrible boss, yada yada yada.

I know these people, I love these people. I cannot and do not wish to remove them from my life for many reasons. I now lean on a pretty solid strategy and yes, I also limit my exposure and time spent in their presence.

Complaining and squawking about anything and everything is detrimental to our health. It brings us down, it's heavy and represents a low vibrational state. Whining, whether it's coming from my mouth or someone else's, zaps our energy. It's draining, exhausting. No wonder people are tired....we're extinguishing our love and fire for life with all of our kvetching.

"Champions never complain. They are too busy getting better." ... John Wooden

Ah, if only everyone could embody this masterful quote, myself included. Who wouldn't rather be a champion? Imagine the progress, the joy, the accomplishments. I like to put quotes in places where I can see them and this one belongs front and center!

I believe most complainers don't even realize their damage. They just ramble about their day and it's automatic to pepper in the wrong doings. An entangled part of their personality, they wouldn't feel comfortable without them. The intent isn't harmful or malicious, they just don't know there is another channel. We reflect who we are internally. It seems to me that constant complainers are fearful of their world and their method of perceived control is constantly picking it apart. Serving to validate the reflection and keep things in balance, this is a harmful confirmation practice.

When you are fearful, it's easy to find a topic to align with your concern. If you don't feel worthy, then other's opinions and outside situations are taken personally as a direct attack. When you feel attacked or hurt or wronged in some way, the reasonable deflection is to blame and complain and fan the coals for as long as possible.

So, how do we navigate this world of kvetching? Is my strategy something that may be helpful? I hope so, because my previous method was one of anger and heavy shielding. I'd prepare for battle and enter the ring with armor, resistance and serious skills. Bring it on, I'm stocked and ready for the attack! Well, this really wasn't much of a plan. I still dreaded the encounters and never escaped without damage. It was a first attempt and a lot of reflection was needed. This recipe didn't taste very good at all. I spent more time licking my wounds than declaring and so-called victory. No champions here.

Once I began to look deeper into why people lean on complaining, a compassion and acceptance attitude was able to enter. It's not my role to change them, but I can offer love and kindness and mitigate negative emotions hurled in my direction. They are attacking their world, not me personally, and a battle is not required. The four steps below have been very valuable when I interact with the grumbles, whines and endless critiques.

1) Accept their pattern. I cannot control the complaints. They will happen and to think they won't only breeds frustration for me, not them.

2) I bring compassion. Kvetching is all they know and they live with this low vibration everyday. I do not and am very grateful for this.

3) Do not engage, ask questions or continue to feed the story. I may offer a positive suggestion or an idea to help, but this is usually unreceived and unwanted. They really, at a deep level, enjoy the gripe itself and are not interested in a solution.

4) I re-direct. I listen without interruption to the bellyache story and when it's my turn, I simply bring up another subject. "Oh my gosh, I need to tell you about the crazy cute thing my dog did this morning", or "I just love your new sofa! Where did you find it"? While this may be acknowledged, it can bring on more moaning. "Oh, I do love my new sofa, but getting it in here was a nightmare..." And they're off down the path of their new tale of woe and grouch on and on and on.

It's so very difficult for them to stay positive, as if a wrong turn is necessary to complete every thought. There is no need to balance something good, something wonderful, with something bad. They do not understand this. Again, compassion for their plight.

"When you complain, you make yourself a victim. Leave the situation, change the situation or accept it. All else is madness" ... Eckhart Tolle

I am not phased. I know my steps and understand my role. My job is to let in the light, if even a little bit, of the alternative. I declare victory when I see the smile, that glimmer of hope in their excitement of a positive thought without a need to cancel it. Small wins.

Staying on my trail, they cannot pull me into their ring of sad sackery. I stand firmly outside, just out of reach. This is my choice and how I remain true to myself, my peace, my path. The arena of complaints is not where I wish to be and I know the danger of even stepping into the poison for a split second. Like quicksand, I'm in deep and it happens very quickly.

Resistance is not the answer. Resistance is a fight. Resistance is a combat and the complainer wins this round every time. When you feel irritated or angry or want to shake your head, or theirs, in disbelief, you need some practice. When someone else's negative state can easily lower yours, there is work to be done. Complainers are always casting their lines and we simply cannot take the bait.

Complainers make me better. They teach me about what I don't want to emulate. I try and try again to improve my reaction, my response and my ability to show and offer love.

Offer light, offer encouraging thoughts, offer solutions or offer a listening ear. Do not, under any circumstance, offer to join them inside the ring. They are masters at their craft and the wounds inflicted can take a while to heal. Stay at a safe distance. Stay where you are strongest.

Be confident in your peace. Show love and understanding. Plant the seed of another perspective. With kindness and grace extend your hand. You may be the example they need to see right now. They may never join you beyond the ropes, but maybe they'll glance. Maybe they'll reach and that's a beautiful moment. There is hope.

If you find yourself struggling with an excess of complaints in your own thoughts or words, the easiest remedy is gratitude. Turn toward all of the wonderful blessings in your life. Turn toward nature, friends, family, pets. Turn inward and offer kindness and love and acceptance of exactly where you are right now. You are loved. The more often you can re-direct a complaining thought with gratitude, the clearer this path will become and the faster you can access it. As always, it takes practice, patience, consistency and love for yourself.

Life is beautiful outside of the ring. Be busy getting better!